The Old Turks
by Summer Dawn Ravenson
Summary: Hehehe, a cross-over fanfic composed of Tekken, Rush Hour and whatsoever... be ready to increase your laughing factor! Rated T for basic "language." Flames are highly undesired.
1. Prologue

**The OLD Turks**

**Disclaimer:** Tekken is a trademark of Namco Bandai and The Young Turks is owned by Cenk Uygur.

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Starring, the most curious of all the talkatives, please welcome, Summer Dawn Ravenson.

For the meantime, it is all about those issues that spread over the world… OMG. There is no other thing that you should know instead of cracking up some green jokes.

This show is all about opinions about news like—some personal stories and experiences. Hehe, as a parody of Cenk Uygur's _The Young Turks_, nothing is affected between the plot and the theme and nothing else more. Sure enough, criticisms are also discussed here.

Don't be shy!!

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**Coming up next after this:**

N.E.D. News and Events Diary- Ned's adventures as a very fluent talker and of course, sharing information about the world and of course, the latest scandals, controversies, intrigues and gossips. Hehehe, this is no other than the next show coming right up after The Old Turks. --Kapamilya tayo, man! \m/(O0)\m/


	2. Androgyny with Leo Kliesen

**The Old Turks- "The Young Turks" Parody**

**The parody of Cenk Uygur**- The Dawn (me)

**Disclaimer:** Tekken is a trademark of Namco Bandai and "The Young Turks" simply belong to Cenk Uygur. Nothing is affected with the original idea and some elements that make up the original story by its respective creators.

**A/N:** I am here as the "host" of "The Old Turks."

**Episode One:** Androgynous People… hahaha.

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The Dawn: Good day, people! This is one thing that I have to tell you… our first topic for today is all about androgynous people—like MAGNO!!

Guest: Leo Kliesen

Dawn: Hey, Leo.

Leo: Hey, there, Summer Dawn Ravenson.

Dawn: So, what would you talk about?

Leo: Hmm, about androgyny?

Dawn: What's that?

Leo: Being a boy and a girl at the same time.

Dawn: OMG—it seems that this is a very serious matter!

Leo: To be honest, I still really don't know if I'm a girl or a boy—but I'm infatuated in both Lili and Hwoarang—I really don't know, man! This is—so WEIRD.

Dawn: So, do you know someone who's androgynous?

Leo: Somehow I'm not sure—or it's a matter of fact that err—this is so pathetic. They tease me because I'm a lesbian—but come to think of it… I'm also infatuated in a guy at the same time!

Dawn: So, do you know androgynous guys?

Leo: Hinata is one. Forgot the surname, though.

Dawn: Why did you say so?

Leo: Hmm, I thought she was a guy, hehe.

Dawn: Ooh… so, who's next.

Leo: Kazuki Fuchoin… definitely NOT a girl.

Dawn: Yes, I know him—she's a girl, but a boy.

Leo: Hmm, he's like me—girl-looking, haha. Err, he's gay, you know.

Dawn: Why?

Leo: His hair's long.

Dawn: So, who's next.

Leo: Futaba Aoi—but she's obviously NOT androgynous. She looks like a hot, gorgeous hottie but—speaking of Aoi, her catchphrase is, "Physically male, but emotionally female."

Dawn: So, who else are androgynous?

Leo: Hmm, I know a lot but—there are some people who are guys but girls—but in fact, SpongeBob is one. Hehe, the eyelashes indicate the androgyny factor.

Dawn: So you mean that SpongeBob is gay?

Leo: No way!!

Dawn: So, what is your type of guy/girl?

Leo: Usually, not the appearance but it depends on how you can deal with a person.

Dawn: That's good of you… anyway who is your look-alike?

Leo: Hmm, well it might be Lili or Hwoarang, haha.

Dawn: Oh, really?

Leo: Duh—no kidding!

Dawn: So, why are your eyes green but they insisted that it is blue-green?

Leo: Actually, it's aquamarine, you know.

Dawn: So who is your crush?

Leo: Lili and Hwoarang!

Dawn: Do they know it already?

Leo: Yah.

Dawn: Any comments?

Leo: Hmm, no comment but Hwoarang keeps on laughing at me—but Lili? She says, "OMG—you're truly a lesbian from Hana Kimi!!"

Dawn: Yeah—if you're the only girl in a boys' school—that's quite humiliating, you know!

Leo: Hmm, yeah.

Dawn: Oh, is it true that you're a former lesbian?

Leo: Dunno… gah! No idea 'bout that!

Dawn: Is it true that you are really pregnant?

Leo: No way!! I never seen a gonad before! (Laughs)

Dawn: So, did you ever kissed Lili mouth-to-mouth?

Leo: Nope, and what's with the kissing scene!?

Dawn: How old are you?

Leo: Hmm, nineteen?

Dawn: But why do you look… twelve?

Leo: TWELVE!? OMG—I look more than seven years older!!

Dawn: Wait—do you look like your mom?

Leo: Hmm, yeah.

Dawn: So, how old is she before she was been slained?

Leo: Hmm, maybe err, thirties or forties, hehe.

Dawn: Uhm, why do you want to become a detective?

Leo: It was actually my task to find out if the Mishima Zaibatsu is under this situation.

Dawn: Where did you learn Hakkyoku-ken?

Leo: Hmm, back in Munich, my hometown.

Dawn: So, do you know German?

Leo: Yep.

Dawn: Err, how tall are you?

Leo: Five feet something—but a bit higher than anyone else (girls).

Dawn: Does it mean that you're taller than either Lili or Christie?

Leo: Hmm, almost.

Dawn: Is it true that Lili had a tattoo on her left thigh and it was dedicated to you?

Leo: OMG—NO.

Dawn: Uhm, did you and Lili got drunk at the same time when Hwoarang is still in a taekwondo competition in Monaco?

Leo: Nope. We're in France.

Dawn: So, do you smoke?

Leo: Before.

Dawn: How do you smoke?

Leo: I exhale smoke from my nose…

Dawn: What else?

Leo: Err, Lili doesn't smoke—I'm the only one smoking crack then soon I got into rehab.

Dawn: So, did Hwoarang had s-e-x with you?

Audience: (Laughs)

Leo: OMG—for goodness's sake, NO.

Dawn: Err, how many piercings do you have?

Leo: Two.

Dawn: Do you have a tattoo?

Leo: Weird question—yes.

Dawn: How many?

Leo: Err, it's right here in my thigh. It's dedicated to err—Lili.

Dawn: OMG—you really have a crush on Lili but—does Hwoarang get jealous of this?

Leo: Nope. He says, "At least she's a girl!"

Dawn: Did someone rape you before?

Leo: Raped? No way.

Dawn: Have you been into rehab?

Leo: Rehab? Nope.

Dawn: Do you strip? Uhm—you dance in a pole the explicit way.

Leo: Yeah.

Audience: (Laughs)

Dawn: How?

Leo: OMG—I can't.

Dawn: Why?

Leo: Because I smoke cocaine?

Dawn: O-M-G!! (Laughs)

Audience: (Laughs and applause at the same time)

Dawn: Thanks for watching, the Old Turks.

* * *

**Commercial:** No pattern, no form!

Lili: This is the best place to fight, don't you think?  
Leo: Just relax, you can do it!  
Lili: Hello... I'm standing right here!?  
Leo: WTF!? What are you staring at?  
Lili: You!  
Leo: Why?  
Lili: I thought you're gay.  
Leo: Err, I'm a lesbian.  
Lili: OMG.

During the fight...

Lili: Ohw-howwwww!  
Leo wins...  
Leo: No pattern, no form!

Leo: (Staring at Lili) You don't even wear polka dots!  
Lili: It's in my ribbon, you-- bisexual hermaphrodite!  
Leo: Ouch-- it really hurts, bitch!  
Lili: Well, now you know where my polka dots are!?  
Leo: NOPE!! It's in your (censored).  
Lili: OMG... Eew...  
Leo is leaving...  
Lili: This sucks!!  
Leo is carrying Lili like a sack!!  
Lili: No, you bitch--whatever you are! Put me down, NOOOOOOO!!

This is, NO PATTERN, NO FORM MOVIE

COMING SOON

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**Please R&R!!**

**Nice criticisms are only accepted.**


	3. Interview with HwoarLili

**Disclaimer:** Tekken belongs to Namco and Cenk Uygur owns The Young Turks.

**Author's Note:** First guest is Hwoarang then next is Lili.

**Episode Two**-HwoarLili interview

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**Topic:** Jin Kazama as "The King of Iron Fist" and Hwoarang's "Thoughts."

**Guest:** Hwoarang

* * *

Dawn: So, Hwoarang, any thoughts about your "so-called rival"?

Hwoarang: Two words: WAR FREAK.

Dawn: Hahaha…

Hwoarang: No, it's true…

Dawn: So, how do you kick his ass?

Hwoarang: Ivory revolver…

Dawn: Do you mean in-out kick?

Hwoarang: Yep.

Dawn: So, why did you hate this raven-head?

Hwoarang: You see, he looks like a guy with a Matterhorn in his head!!

Dawn: Oh, really?

Hwoarang: Yeah, a stupid Mishima guy who takes "Kazama" right instead of Mishima would have a "black Matterhorn" right in his head, HAHAHA!!

Dawn: OMG—I really can't stop laughing!! So, any plans to beat Jin Kazama?

Hwoarang: Yep. Not just for the award, but it's also for myself—not only that but to pass through Devil Jin once Jin turns back to his devil form. Err, speaking of Devil Jin he's been the King of Iron Fist once—he became a devil in the KIFT5 and the part two so there's a possible chance that you should pass through that stupid Matterhorn head to fight Jinpachi for sure. Not only that but you should have your own strategy.

Dawn: So, how's your lovelife by the way?

Hwoarang: Err, Julia, Asuka and Lili are already in the top three. Julia seems more matured than the other two then Asuka is the tougher one. But with Lili, she's a great shot so I fell for her.

Dawn: Is she attracted to robust eyebrows?

Hwoarang: Yeah… but mine's err—dunno. Maybe it's a matter of fact that she likes me. The good looks, the sex appeal but also your strategy to deal with someone else.

Dawn: Are you bad mouthed?

Hwoarang: Often. But I'm used to it already, though.

Dawn: Is your sexual desire in a higher level?

Hwoarang: Nope.

Dawn: So, how's your relationship between you and Lili?

Hwoarang: Everything's fine. Anyway, I'm so like a servant to be her partner for sure.

Dawn: So, how did you fell for her?

Hwoarang: Very complicated. I think err—can't tell… I told ya!

Dawn: Do you smoke, drink or something?

Hwoarang: Gambling is my vice—nothing more than that would do.

Dawn: Did you fell in love with her during the filming of this "teaser trailer" thingy?

Hwoarang: Ooh, you mean me, her and Jin?

Dawn: Yep.

Hwoarang: You guess.

Dawn: Err, yeah.

Hwoarang: Yeah, you guessed it alright. Hmm, I think it's because of this "love scene."

Dawn: I've noticed that loyal Tekkenists still fall for you and Julia. Any reactions?

Hwoarang: Well, Julia is acting maturely—much in a higher level than me.

Dawn: So, what is the reason of your break-up?

Hwoarang: Well, it's all thanks to Ganryu and so, I fall for Asuka.

Dawn: Well, how did you fell for Asuka?

Hwoarang: Can' tell you—she is very defensive to anyone else.

Dawn: Well, any reasons of your "break-up"?

Hwoarang: Her armpits stink… joke. Well, sort of a very complicated problem. At first I didn't fall for Lili but in the end of the KIFT5, part two it seems that I pitied Lili because I understood her situation—once her participation was spread, she's busted.

Dawn: Yes, I know that story.

Hwoarang: So, the reason why Lili and me fell in love because we met during the KIFT6 teaser, right?

Dawn: Yes and—

Hwoarang: Of course, it's very nice working with her and so does she.

Dawn: Err, any thoughts for Lili?

Hwoarang: Sometimes Lili does call me "tomato head" but I'm spike! Also, she thinks that I'm the "most handsome dude" ever in the planet. Err, she actually got a crush on Steve before me so after Steve and Christie became together it seems that Lili moved on for me.

Dawn: Any funny moments?

Hwoarang: I don't speak French—duh! I'm from South Korea and loved it—but my life has ruined when Ogre "killed" sensei Baek and ugh, there. Anyway, I'm the only "liberated" Korean because I'm err, not a Confucian believer but somehow, I'm not a religiously devoted person, though.

Dawn: No, your funny moments with Lili?

Hwoarang: Well, she dared me to read her "journal" and I refused at first—but I was curious so I dared to wholeheartedly. When I read it—the "nasty entries" are so boring so I told her NOT to post it in the public.

Dawn: Anything to say 'bout Leo?

Hwoarang: You mean the "androgynous" guy?

Dawn: Yes.

Hwoarang: She's a lesbian. Err, not sure but she should be in Hana Kimi—the Tekken version.

Dawn: Will you also star in "No Pattern, No Form" movie?

Hwoarang: Lili will star there as "Ms. Princesse Françoise" who hates to be defeated by "androgynous" people and Leo will be the main star there whose role is a "joker" who needs money. I am one of those people who are making the pattern for Leo to stop defeating girls from Monaco.

Dawn: So, Hwoarang, if ever that you have a chance to defeat this "super Devil Jin," will you accept the challenge?

Hwoarang: YEAH, go rock on! Hehe, kidding.

Audience: (Laughs)

Dawn: So, Lili is next right here in-- The Old Turks, see ya!

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**Commercial:** No Pattern, No Form MOVIE

Narrator: Leo is right here in the streets, searching for rich girls, but in fact-- he's stumbled with Lili, the heiress. However, Hwoarang is on the rescue making more patterns to form this "stop fighting" factor so he can stop Leo from defeating all rich girls in Monaco.

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**Back to the show...**

Dawn: Welcome back, so Lili's right here as a guest.

Lili: Hi, Ms. Dawn.

Dawn: Hey, Lili. So, how's today? Are you feeling any pressure right now?

Lili: Today-- is fine! But, no. I don't feel any pressure right now. (Laughs)

Dawn: Okay. Well, is it true that you always accompany Leo whenever _she_ is in the C.R.?

Lili: Err, yeah.

Audience: (Laughs)

Dawn: Any reason for that?

Lili: Because when she enter's the women's, she's a boy but in the men's room, she's a girl.

Audience: (Laughs)

Dawn: Do you love tattoos?

Lili: You wanna see the latest one? It's in my left thigh, an angel on it.

Lili's showing up the tattoo right in front of the people and the Dawn touches it.

Dawn: Nice one, any meaning for this?

Lili: For Leo...

Audience: AWW...

Dawn: Aww, how sweet of you.

Lili: Thanks.

Dawn: I heard that you have a lot of "boys" right now.

Lili: You mean, Hwoarang? Oh, yeah...

Dawn: So, how's your "integrity" right now?

Lili: Fine. Even though I make mischief.

Dawn: Did you have s-e-x with Hwoarang?

Lili: OMG-- I'm not gonna die for that.

Dawn: What attracted you with Hwoarang?

Lili: He is soooo sweet.

Dawn: In what way?

Lili: He is child-like but muscular.

Dawn: No offense, but don't get mad, ah?

Lili: Promise I won't. (Laughs)

Dawn: Okay? Uhm, are you the reason why Asuka and Hwoarang broke up?

Lili: Not sure but he pitied me after I was defeated by Asuka. (Laughs)

Dawn: How?

Lili: He punished Asuka like, "Hey you, wanna try me, guv?" Oh, it's like Steve in a red hair!!

Dawn: How did you feel when Hwoarang filmed with you the Tekken 6 opening teaser trailer?

Lili: It's been great working with him, though.

Dawn: Are you into charity work?

Lili: Not really.

Dawn: So, how's working with Jin at the same time?

Lili: Well, he's a great actor-- he is supernatural with the "devil gene." Also, I really don't know why he got that.

Dawn: I think from his father, you forgot.

Lili: Oh, yes right.

Dawn: Are you still mad at Asuka?

Lili: Not anymore! I defeated her and said, "The moment of victory, I love it!" (Laughs)

Dawn: So, how do you feel being the "next Nina Williams"?

Lili: OMG-- doesn't mean of that common trait. Err, I'm not dying for that, too! (Laughs)

Dawn: So, any thoughts again?

Lili: Okay-- 'bout the "No Pattern, No Form" movie?

Dawn: Go ahead.

Lili: I star there as the rich spoiled brat who needs attention-- a celebrity who is rival to GTO's Urumi Kanzaki and-- by the way, Leo will also star there as the "rich girl slayer" who is teasing them that polka dots are in your booties. Hehehe...

Dawn: Is that all...

Lili: I think so but just watch the movie-- hehe!

Dawn: That's all for today!

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**Commercial:** No Pattern, No Form Movie

Hwoarang: Lili?  
Lili: A tomboy just-- err, beat me up...  
Hwoarang: OMG-- you got a lot of ink and holes.  
Lili: Yeah-- bleeding in my beautiful, white and flawless SKIN!!  
Hwoarang: Now, where's this "tomboy"?  
Lili: Oh, that tomboy is in 15 Franklin D. Roosevelt, Genevieve.  
Hwoarang: OMG-- FDR in FRANCE!? WTF!?

Narrator: Nobody knows who this guy is-- or gal, whatever. "It" is the most ferocious sex-lover in earth... LEO!!

NO PATTERN, NO FORM.

COMING SOON.

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**Please R&R and flames are NOT desired.**


	4. Rush Hour Code

**Episode Three- The Rush Hour Code  
**

**Disclaimer:** Please see prologue. By the way, I am not an evangelist—as what people say, it's better to be an honest sinner rather than to be a false saint, you know. In addition, "Levi" is the author of the Aquarian gospel.

**Author's Note:** This time, it is an opinion about the Aquarian gospel of Jesus Christ. If you think that this is offensive, please don't flame.

* * *

Seafood service at El Pollo Loco.

Dawn: This time, our guests would be Great Chinese Inspector Lee and Detective James Carter of the Los Angeles Police Department.

Lee and Carter: Hi, Dawn.

Dawn: Why, HELLO, men!!

Lee: Hey, anyway it is a topic about Jesus, right?

Dawn: Yes.

Carter: Yeah—and have you recalled the French-speaking Chinaman whom I almost shot—yeah and I said, "Forgive me Father for what I've sinned!"

Dawn: Yes, I know that. Anyway, what is your reaction about the Aquarian gospel?

Lee: Hmm, I'm not sure but its Jesus' trip to India, right?

Dawn: Good guess.

Carter: You know me… I have learned the ancient teachings of Buddha and earning two black belts in wushu martial arts…

Lee: Carter! Calm down!

Dawn: So, Carter—tell us why you love swearing?

Carter: That's who I am—about what Lee said that "he's half-black" but there is a height requirement.

Dawn: Do you know any Chinese words?

Carter: Yeah… a lot.

Lee: Carter, prove it!

Carter: Okay, then… butsikek, ek ek ek, bubu chichang… bubu chacha!!

Dawn: (Laughs)

Audience: (Applause)

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Suddenly, the Cenk appears…

Opening Theme: What would Jesus do?

* * *

Cenk: Okay, okay right there, folks! I got the Arcadian cipher! The Tekken stars are Hwoarang and Lili—as Jesus and Magdalene!! I think you have a choice—Leo Kliesen is the Mona Lisa!!

Audience: BOOOOOOOOO!!

Squidward: YOU STINK!!

Everyone kicked Cenk from the stage…

Squidward: DON'T APPEAR!!

* * *

Dawn: Okay, folks… there's something wrong in here…

Lee: Come on! Let's investigate!!

Carter: Ooh, yeah baby!!

Lee: OMG…

Carter: DAMN!!

The show suddenly ended… uh-oh… so Lee and Carter are investigating for the truth within the Christian faith.

**WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THE BREAK**

* * *

**Commercial:** The Dawn's new original work, The Caligula Seneca Space Mission LH-3600

Th waters... of the ocean... right in outer space...

This harbor... of searching for the goddess of infinite paradise...

A golden entity that is somewhere lurking...

When a guy finds for "Kimiko"

"Please!"

This is, Caligula Seneca Space Mission LH-3600.

COMING SOON.

* * *

Back to the show...

Dawn: Sorry for any distractions but right this time, we have to continue this one tomorrow and... that's it.

* * *

Lee and Carter are stumbled in a tomb.

There came out the seven deadly sins...

Carter: Pandora's box, Pandora's BOX... RUN!!

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**Please R&R very nonsense.**


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